BERT
The Amazing Bert
How Fate Conspired to Make Me an Iguana Lover
All of my life, I've been a devout cat-person. I was born that way. Both of my parents were cat lovers. My paternal grandparents bred Grand Champion Red Persians, and had upwards of 75 cats at any given time. At home, it wasn't unusual for us to have as many as 8 cats at a time. Oh, there were the ocassional dog, bunny, duck, and so on, and an on-again-off-again love affair with tropical fish, but through it all, cats were the one constant in my life - the one thing I couldn't imagine ever living without.
Then one summer Saturday in my late twenties, I made a trip to the local PetSmart to buy some cat food. I had collected everything I needed and started towards checkout. The aisle I had started down was jammed with people, so I quickly backstepped and went down the next aisle over - which took me right by the display where the juvenile iguanas were housed. I clearly recall stopping for a moment to admire their bright colors and curious little feet. So many of the tiny little creatures scampering around the large enclosure, climbing on top of one another, scrambling up and down the branches like tiny green monkeys...
Cut to me back in my truck, driving home from the pet store.
I'm stopped at a red light, waiting patiently, when I hear a strange rustling and scratching sound coming from the passenger seat beside me. A loose bit of paper fluttering in the wind, I think, as I turn to see the source of the noise.
There was a box on the seat beside me. One of those little boxes that pet stores put small animals in when they send them home with their new owners. Parakeets and hamsters and gerbils painted on the sides, lots of air holes lining the rim of the box.
I blinked. Once. Twice. The box was still there, shaking slightly as whatever was inside scratched and scrambled and scurried and tried to get out.
What on earth? I thought to myself, checking over my shoulder to see if Rod Serling was hiding in the back of the truck.
No matter how many times I looked away, the box was still there when I looked back. I had to open it. I had to know what was inside.
As it was a rather long light, I reached over cautiously (and with great anticipation) and opened the box. Something small and green sprang out at me! Before I could gasp my surprise, it had scrambled up my chest and dug itself under the hair at the back of my neck. I jumped in my seat, popped the clutch and stalled the engine, then reached up and pulled this thing, this baby iguana, from my neck.
I kid you not. No joke, that's exactly how it happened.
To this day, I have no memory of choosing and buying a baby iguana. Why on earth would I buy a baby iguana? I knew absolutely *nothing* about iguanas. Nothing. I had no idea how to care for them, what their needs were... did I mention I knew nothing about iguanas? On top of that, I lived in a house with 5 cats and almost as many roommates! I was fairly certain they would *all* have something to say about me bringing this little green creature home!
Just about two seconds after I had pulled the little thing from my neck, the light turned green and the car behind me began to honk. I tried to start the truck and put the critter back in the box at the same time... the baby ended up back under my hair and the driver behind me gave me a rude gesture as he changed lanes and zipped away past me.
I quickly rolled my window up and drove in the slow lanes the rest of the way home - leaning forward awkwardly, not wanting to squish the creature that was still huddled at the back of my neck.
Strangely enough (or not), my roommates never questioned the odd way in which this new member of our household had been acquired.
Fate moves in mysterious ways, it's said, and who were we to question it. And how was I, a great fan of Fate, to know that it was a day which would change my life forever?
